My husband put some poison in my beer,
And fondly hoped that I would drink it up.
He would get rid of me – no bloody fear,
For when his back was turned I changed the cup.
He took it all, and if he did not die,
Its just because he’s heartier than I.
And now I watch and watch him night and day
Dreading that he will try it on again.
I’m getting like a skeleton they say,
And every time I feel the slightest pain
I think: he’s got me this time. . . . Oh the beast!
He might have let me starve to death, at least.
But all he thinks of is that shell-pink nurse.
I know as well as well that they’re in loe.
I’m sure they kiss, and maybe do things worse,
Although she looks as gentle as a dove.
I see their eyes with passion all aglow:
I know they only wait for me to go.
Ah well, I’ll go (I have to, anyway),
they will pay the price of lust and sin.
I’ve sent a letter to the police to say:
“If I should die its them have dome me in.”
And now a lot of vernal I’ll take,
And go to sleep, and never, never wake.
But won’t I laugh! Aye, even when I’m dead,
To think of them both hanging by the head.
My wife’s a fancy bit of stuff it’s true;
But that’s no reason she should do me dirt.
Of course I know a girl is tempted to,
With mountain men a-fussin’ round her skirt.
A ‘andome women’s bound to ‘ave a ‘eart,
But that’s no reason she should be a tart.
I didn’t oughter give me ‘ome address
To sergeant when ‘e last went on ‘is leave;
And now the ‘ole shebang’s a bloody mess;
I didn’t think the missis would deceive.
And ‘ere was I, a-riskin’ of me life,
And thee was ‘e, a-sleepin’ wiv me wife.
Go blimy, but this thing ‘as got to stop.
Well, next time when we makes a big attack,
As soon as we gets well across the top,
I’ll plug ’em (accidental) in the back.
‘E’ll cop a blinkin’ packet in ‘is spine,
And that’ll be the end of ‘im, the swine.
It’s easy in the muck-up of a fight;
And all me mates’ll think it was the foe.
And ‘oo can say it doesn’t serve ‘im right?
And I’ll go ‘ome and none will ever know,
My missis didn’t oughter do that sort o’ thing,
Seein’ as ‘ow she wears my weddin’ ring.
Well, we’ll be just as ‘appy as before,
When otherwise she might a’ bin a ‘ore.
It’s fun to see Joe fuss around that kid.
I know ‘e loves ‘er more than all the rest,
Because she’s by a lot the prettiest.
‘E wouldn’t lose ‘er for a ‘undred quid.
I love ‘er too, because she isn’t his’n;
But Jim, his brother’s, wot they’ve put in prision.
It’s ‘ard to ‘ave a ‘usband wot you ‘ate;
So soft that if ‘e knowed you’d ‘ad a tup,
‘E wouldn’t ‘ave the guts to beat you up.
Now Jim – ‘e’s wot I call a proper mate.
I daren’t try no monkey tricks wiv ‘im.
‘E’d flay be ‘ide off (quite right, too) would Jim.
I won’t let on to Jim when ‘e comes out;
But Joe – each time I see ‘im kissin’ Nell,
I ‘ave to leave the room and laughlike ‘ell.
“E’ll ‘ave the benefit (damn little) of the doubt.
So let ‘im kiss our Nellie fit to smother;
There ain’t no proof ‘er father is ‘is brother.
Well, anyway I’ve no remorse. You see,
I’ve kept my frailty in the family.