Song To Be Sung by the Father of Infant Female Children
My heart leaps up when I behold A rainbow in the sky; Contrariwise, my blood runs cold When little boys go by. For little boys as little boys, No special hate I carry, But
Always Marry An April Girl
Praise the spells and bless the charms, I found April in my arms. April golden, April cloudy, Gracious, cruel, tender, rowdy; April soft in flowered languor, April cold with sudden anger, Ever changing, ever
The Centipede
I objurgate the centipede, A bug we do not really need. At sleepy-time he beats a path Straight to the bedroom or the bath. You always wallop where he’s not, Or, if he is,
One Third Of The Calendar
In January everything freezes. We have two children. Both are she’ses. This is our January rule: One girl in bed, and one in school. In February the blizzard whirls. We own a pair of
PG Wooster, Just as he Useter
Bound to your bookseller, leap to your library, Deluge your dealer with bakshish and bribary, Lean on the counter and never say when, Wodehouse and Wooster are with us again. Flourish the fish-slice, your
Columbus
Once upon a time there was an Italian, And some people thought he was a rapscallion, But he wasn’t offended, Because other people thought he was splendid, And he said the world was round,
Possessions Are Nine Points Of Conversation
Some people, and it doesn’t matter whether they are paupers or millionaires, Think that anything they have is the best in the world just because it is theirs. If they happen to own a
Oh To Be Odd!
Hypochondriacs Spend the winter at the bottom of Florida and the summer on top of The Adirondriacs. You go to Paris and live on champagne wine and cognac If you’re dipsomognac. If you’re a
Will Consider Situation
There here are words of radical advice for a young man looking for a job; Young man, be a snob. Yes, if you are in search of arguments against starting at the bottom, Why
The Purist
I give you now Professor Twist, A conscientious scientist, Trustees exclaimed, “He never bungles!” And sent him off to distant jungles. Camped on a tropic riverside, One day he missed his loving bride. She
I Didn't Go To Church Today
I didn’t go to church today, I trust the Lord to understand. The surf was swirling blue and white, The children swirling on the sand. He knows, He knows how brief my stay, How
Spring Comes To Murray Hill
I sit in an office at 244 Madison Avenue And say to myself You have a responsible job havenue? Why then do you fritter away your time on this doggerel? If you have a
To A Small Boy Standing On My Shoes While I Am Wearing Them
Let’s straighten this out, my little man, And reach an agreement if we can. I entered your door as an honored guest. My shoes are shined and my trousers are pressed, And I won’t
Come On In, The Senility Is Fine
People live forever in Jacksonville and St. Petersburg and Tampa, But you don’t have to live forever to become a grampa. The entrance requirements for grampahood are comparatively mild, You only have to live
I Do, I Will, I Have
How wise I am to have instructed the butler To instruct the first footman to instruct the second Footman to instruct the doorman to order my carriage; I am about to volunteer a definition