Prate, ye who will, of so-called charms you find across the sea
The land of stoves and sunshine is good enough for me!
I’ve done the grand for fourteen months in every foreign clime,
And I’ve learned a heap of learning, but I’ve shivered all the time;
And the biggest bit of wisdom I’ve acquired as I can see
Is that which teaches that this land’s the land of lands for me.
Now, I am of opinion that a person should get some
Warmth in this present life of ours, not all in that to come;
So when Boreas blows his blast, through country and through town,
Or when upon the muddy streets the stifling fog rolls down,
Go, guzzle in a pub, or plod some bleak malarious grove,
But let me toast my shrunken shanks beside some Yankee stove.
The British people say they “don’t believe in stoves, y’ know;”
Perchance because we warmed ’em so completely years ago!
They talk of “drahfts” and “stuffiness” and “ill effects of heat,”
As they chatter in their barny rooms or shiver ’round the street;
With sunshine such a rarity, and stoves esteemed a sin,
What wonder they are wedded to their fads catarrh and gin?
In Germany are stoves galore, and yet you seldom find
A fire within the stoves, for German stoves are not that kind;
The Germans say that fires make dirt, and dirt’s an odious thing,
But the truth is that the pfennig is the average Teuton’s king,
And since the fire costs pfennigs, why, the thrifty soul denies
Himself all heat except what comes with beer and exercise.
The Frenchman builds a fire of cones, the Irishman of peat;
The frugal Dutchman buys a fire when he has need of heat
That is to say, he pays so much each day to one who brings
The necessary living coals to warm his soup and things;
In Italy and Spain they have no need to heat the house
‘Neath balmy skies the native picks the mandolin and louse.
Now, we’ve no mouldy catacombs, no feudal castles grim,
No ruined monasteries, no abbeys ghostly dim;
Our ancient history is new, our future’s all ahead,
And we’ve got a tariff bill that’s made all Europe sick abed
But what is best, though short on tombs and academic groves,
We double discount Christendom on sunshine and on stoves.
Dear land of mine! I come to you from months of chill and storm,
Blessing the honest people whose hearts and hearths are warm;
A fairer, sweeter song than this I mean to weave to you
When I’ve reached my lakeside ‘dobe and once get heated through;
But, even then, the burthen of that fairer song shall be
That the land of stoves and sunshine is good enough for me.