The Matrimonial Stakes

I wooed her with a steeplechase, I won her with a fall,
I made her heartstrings quiver on the flat
When the pony missed his take-off, and we crached into the wall;
Well, she simply had to have me after that!
It awoke a thrill of int’rest when they pulled me out for dead
From beneath the shattered ruins of a horse;
And althought she looked indifferent when I landed on my head
In the water, it appealed to her, of course!

When I won the Flappers’ Flatrace it was “all Sir Garneo”,
For she praised the way I made my final run.
And she thought the riding won it for how could the poor girl know
That a monkey could have ridden it and won!

Then they “weighed me in” a winner it’s not often that occurs!
So I didn’t let my golden chances slip,
For I showed her all the blood-marks where I jabbed him with the spurs,
And the whip-strokes where I hit him with the whip.

Then I asked her if she loved me, and she seemed inclined to shirk
For a moment so I took her by the head
(So to speak) and rushed her at it; and she seemed to like the work
When she kissed me, though she blushed a rosy red.

She’s a mouth as soft as velvet, and she plenty has of heart,
I could worship every little step she takes;
And the saddleng-bell is ringing, so we’re going to the start,
Certain winners of the Matrimonial Stakes!

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The Matrimonial Stakes